First up we had his grovelling display in the US. Fawning over Obama as he appointed Britain to the position of 'junior partner' to America.
Next stop on his whirl-wind tour of wooing was Turkey. Now our Dave sure aims to please and in describing Gaza as a 'prison camp' he very quickly found the Turks' G-spot. When he went on to say that he was angry at the slow pace of negotiations on Turkey's entry into the EU and then stated "I'm here to make the case for Turkey's membership of the EU and to fight for it.", well every single europhile Turk must have surely reached orgasm. Dave then showed us all he's not a complete tart by, before leaving, treating his new exotic lover to a little pillow talk, stating that Turkey could become “a great European power” one day.
Finally it was India's turn. Although I must say, if I were on a mission to woo India and, in Dave's own words, make Britain their"partner of choice", then I'm not sure I'd go about that by offering them the sloppy seconds, sloppy thirds in fact.
Now let's look at where Cameron cocked things up shall we.
In the US, Dave stated that Britain is currently a 'junior partner' to the US.
OK, no arguments there, an online poll I stumbled across shows 73% of people polled agree. However Dhimwit Dave also stated as fact that “we were the junior partner in 1940 when we were fighting the Nazis”. Err, sorry Dave, America did not actually enter WWII until December of 1941. Do they not teach history at Eton or Oxford ?
In Turkey, Dave says that he'll “fight” for Turkey's entrance to the EU.
Fight who exactly Dave, us, the British people ? Well there's no need for that, surely we can sort this out like gentlemen. In fact it would be very gentlemanly like if you were to follow through with that “cast iron guarantee” of yours and give us that referendum on Britain's continuing membership of the EU. Having had the referendum we will of course withdraw from the EU and then you can fight for the membership of whoever the fuck you like. Britain won't really give a damn who you want in your little club then because, with us no longer in the EU, millions more third-worlders won't be heading our way with their begging bowls. Also Dave, Turkey will never be a “great European power” as Turkey is in Asia, not Europe. Geography David, geography.
As part of his attempt to curry favour with India, Dave accused Pakistan of 'exporting terror'.
David, David, David, tut, tut, tut, surely you undertook basic business studies at your fancy schools ? Do you not understand that for every export their must, somewhere else, be an import ? I mean sure, you're correct, Pakistan is exporting terror but do you not see that, in continuing Labour's program of letting every bearded maniac, intent on blowing shit up, into Britain, you are in fact guilty of importing terror ?
Mr Cameron you are failing your country, you shall be barred from all future foreign excursions until your grades improve.
Rating on the Groompymeter ? 3/10 – Sorry, run all that by me again.