Thursday, 28 April 2011

People Who Believe In God...

...They're Idiots!

What a perfect post-Easter video.

I had a pretty average Easter really, if anyone gives a fuck. Worked on 'good' friday, worked on St George's day - and, having now left the UK, sorely missed my traditional pint of proper ale in some London pub - did nothing special on Sunday, missed the ANZAC day dawn service Monday morning, got rat-arsed Monday night and felt like shit all Tuesday. Oh well, not as bad as being spat on by Jews before being nailed to a cross and dumped in a cave by sandal-wearing Romans, I suppose.

H/T - Atheist Planet

Starting 'Em Young.

Very young. Very very young in fact. 18 months old to be precise.

Dutch football club, VVV Venlo, have signed 18 month old Baerke van der Meij on a ten year contract after his father uploaded a video of the little tyke shooting three balls into his toy-box.
According to a club spokesthing "The toddler's favourite position has not yet been determined. But we can speak of a right-footed player with a very good kicking technique, perseverance and, importantly, football genes via his grandfather".
What's not clear from the video however is if young Baerke has formed the mental capacity to restrain himself from exploding into violent temper-tantrums and prolonged dummy-spitting when a referee's decision is not to his liking. Although, admittedly, that issue doesn't seem to affect Rooney's chances of a starting place too often.

The 'token' contract was signed on the dotted line... Or thereabouts.


Wednesday, 27 April 2011

'Sneak Your Booze Wherever You Choose'

Every now and then I find something that I realise I have been looking for all my life. This is one of those things.


Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Kate Middleton: Whore!

For the record, I have known no physical evidence of the above statement being true and to the best of my knowledge she is a lovely young lady of honest virtue...

...Anyway, will it all kick off?

I fucking hope so! Talk about a right-royal tear-up!
What could be a more fitting tribute to the reign of EIIR than a good ol' fashion day of sectarian violence to mark the wedding of her genetically-challenged spawn of modern royalty?
Also, can someone please tell that weirdo on that freak's left that - apart from being very distracting - inhaling the crispy grilled arseholes of rats and pigeons, whilst someone is busy delivering the divine word of his imaginary friend, is both highly distasteful and a little piggish?


Sunday, 17 April 2011

Sunday Morning Easy Listening On Groompy FM

What a perfect melody to act as a tribute to the living incarnation of all things cuntish, don't you think?

Saturday, 16 April 2011

You Need A Password...

For Your Own Good, Naturally.

Well it was fucking bound to happen eventually wasn't it? Yep. The US Commerce Department has just announced plans to hand out free online shopping passwords, in the form of smart cards or access sticks no less, to all US online shoppers who voluntarily sign up for its National Strategy for Trusted Identities in Cyberspace (NSTIC).
No fucking surprises there.
And as usual the kind hands that guide us are all to happy to point out all the lovely ways in which their latest gift will make everyone's lives so much safer. "We must do more to help consumers protect themselves, and we must make it more convenient than remembering dozens of passwords" says the spokesface.
Again, no fucking surprise.
And of course the least surprising thing of all will be when this is declared a roaring success, not that any government pet-project is ever, ever declared a failure, and will then be rolled out world-wide so all humanity can sleep safe and sound in the knowledge that their government is standing right by them whenever they're online. A gentle hand resting on your shoulder, kindly guiding you through the hazards of cyber-space.

Oh well, freedom was good while it lasted.

Take a seat, let me show you how this is gonna work now.


Tuesday, 5 April 2011

"You Can Take Your Dhimmitude And Shove It Up Your Ass!"

Looks like some Yanks ain't giving up on free speech without a fight!

Now she's obviously fucking bonkers - which makes her just a little too nuts for my liking - but well done her for showing us all, in a highly entertaining and sure to send shock-waves kind of way, how to respond to those who would trample on our rights in favour of some perverse ideology that gets offended far too easily, far too often.

Big hat tip to Calling England.


Saturday, 2 April 2011

To Protect And Serve...

... And steal your property after giving you their word that they wouldn't.


The full depressing article can be found here.


Friday, 1 April 2011

Oh Those Dastardly Tobacco Companies!

Tobacco companies down-under have caused a bit of a stir with their "I deserve to be heard" campaign designed to encourage protest against government anti-smoking policies. Campaign cards have been slipped into smoke packs that direct smokers to a website where they can contact their MP to complain about Australia's tough and at times insane anti-smoking laws.

Oh goody! This is going to ruffle a few feathers I reckon. Can't have the plebs questioning the wisdom of a government that wants plain packaging on cigarette packs that, by government demand, are already completely hidden from view of consumers now can we?

Of course all the usual talking heads are being dragged out to label this move by the tobacco companies as an act of pure evil on the same footing as eating live kittens.
Anne Jones, of those lovable fuckwits at Action on Smoking and Health (ASH) describes the website as a "sophisticated pattern of interference in public health policies."
No, ASH don't do hypocrisy at all.
While Professor David Currow reckons "sometimes you have to shake your head at big tobacco companies authorising things like this, particularly when you consider in NSW alone, smoking and tobacco use costs the community more than $8.4 billion a year."

$8.4 billion a bloody year! My that's quite a lot of dough that smokers are costing a state with a population of just over 7.5 million. In fact that's over $1100 that every man, woman and child are costing the state, assuming that every man, woman and child in New South Wales smokes of course. But not everyone in NSW does smoke, in fact, according to the government, less than 17% do. Going by that figure Professor Currow is saying that NSW smokers are costing the state over $6500 each annually.

Bollox! As well as conveniently forgetting to subtract the taxes that smokers pay to the state from that figure, what the dear Professor doesn't say is that most of his $8.4 billion figure (around 70%) is made up of 'indirect costs'. Indirect costs include the income tax and other taxes that can no longer be squeezed from smokers who have passed away prematurely due to their freely chosen lifestyle and also the cost of the mythical passive-smoking monster.

But is the passive-smoking monster real?
Well, again, according to the governments own statistics, 78 non smokers died from passive smoking in NSW in a single year. But can they name one? Just a single name? No, they can't. If they could then the face that went with that name would become a face splashed on every billboard across the nation. In fact, where the hell is the poster child of passive smoking? Surely with the hundreds of thousands world-wide that are supposed to be killed by the monster, it really shouldn't be too fucking problematic to come up with one. Just drag out any one of their death certificates and highlight the part that says 'respiratory failure due to standing next to smoker'.
Whether the monster is real or not, dangerous or not dangerous, I know one danger that beyond a shadow of a doubt is certainly real and that is the danger of drowning on an unpatrolled stretch of beach. Which is exactly where the government have decided to force smokers to swim, yes it is now illegal in Western Australia to light a cigarette in the vast, open area 'between the flags'. That calm stretch of water that is patrolled by Surf Life Saving guards.

Filthy fucking smoke breathers! Out into the surf to drown with you and take your damned kids with you!

OK, maybe that's a little over the top, but judging by some of the comments of readers responding to the news of all this you certainly wouldn't think so.

"I deserve to be heard? You deserve to get knotted!"

"Of course smokers have a right to kill themselves, just stop bothering everyone else while you do it."
"This is a fantastic move... I am sick and tired of people smoking right out the front door of any public places and suffocate with smoke in my face. This is very unpleasant for us non-smokers and non smokers get affected more inhaling smoke than those who smoke the cigarettes itself. Bring on all the bans I say!!!"

"Time to tell the government we non-smokers have enough of breathing 24h stinking air from smokers around us."

"Outdoor smoking bans are great- I wish it would be extended further."

And last but certainly not least, these two little gems:

"I opened my pack to find the nifty advert. I was not impressed. I smoke tobacco with my weed! I don't like cigarettes. I don't think smokers deserve to be heard."

 "I have read tobacco companies have put something in tobacco to make it more addictive."

Jesus Christ smoking a crack pipe, give me fucking strength!

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